Monday, August 11, 2014

Top Catch Phrases from 1970 Still in Use Today

  1. (at a car dealership) We don't make any money selling cars, we make it on servicing them
  2. Ohhh....wait here....I have to ask my boss if I can give it to you at that price.....
  3. We are doing market research and want to use YOUR home as a model home to show our work
  4. We will give you a FREE ALARM SYSTEM, all you have to do is put this sign on your front lawn
  5. Let me spray this tar on your driveway and it will 'prolong' the life of your driveway

Thursday, June 5, 2014

How To Become A Hockey Announcer

Gary Bettman, commissioner for the NHL has created a course for young men and women who are aspiring to become hockey announcers. "It's a four step process" said Bettman

  1. Shave off all your hair, and wear a very obvious toupée
  2. Wear "coke-bottle" glasses that are at least +3.75 so everyone thinks you have nice 'big' eyes
  3. Wear a headset - a big old one from the seventies at all times. No matter what.
  4. Every third sentence, find a way to say "Hollywood Vs. Broadway" - and just keep repeating this.
Courses will begin this fall.

Wednesday, March 12, 2014

English Class Can't Follow Cirque Du Soleil

A college level English class from Harvard was not able to follow a simple story line.  Thirty three students from the college were taken to see a Cirque du Soleil performance - and none of them understood it!  "There was simply too much jumping around for us to follow it" explained one student.

Thursday, February 13, 2014

Sochi Not Allowed To Host Summer Games

Officials in Sochi have been told by the IOC that they're not allowed to host the summer games.  The reasoning behind is that they fear 'track and field' athletes would continue running beyond the finish line, and try to make it to the Russian border.  Representatives from Sochi were not available for comment, as a matter of fact, they were missing at the time of this report.

Friday, December 6, 2013

University Professor Caught Unloading Pallets

A university professor was caught on camera unloading wooden pallets from a shipping truck.  "I wanted to take control and remove them from the truck" said the unnamed professor.  Nearby students began yelling "Hey! Teacher! Leave those skids alone!"

Sunday, November 24, 2013

Lionel Richie Launches Chain of Tea Houses

Lionel Richie, key member of the Commodores and father to Nicole Richie, has launched a new chain of Tea Houses across the country.  Fans of his are currently "dancing on the ceiling" as everyone seems to be drinking his tea.

Friday, November 22, 2013

Hair Thief Caught!

Police have apprehended a man in Syracuse who allegedly stole a hairpiece.  "They're freakin' expensive" claimed the man.  According to authorities, the man will have toupée.